One of the hardest obstacles for me to overcome when depressed is two-fold. I like solitude and quiet and therefore I choose to spend a lot of time alone. This is true for me all of the time, but it becomes tricky when I am not well.

Depression plays games with self-esteem and self-regard. It wants you to stay “safe” inside your own thoughts. Within this place is is easier to convince you that not only do you lack interest in doing anything, but really in actual fact – you are not capable.

The rational part of you calls bullshit. However, if, like me, you slip into the place where isolation feels less overwhelming and you spend increasingly more time listening to depression – these ideas can take hold.

This is the two-fold problem. Depression not only robs you of your desire to engage, to do what you know is healthier for you, it also can be very convincing about your lack of ability to do things you know you can accomplish. It is not just that you lack motivation, but more disturbingly, that you are beginning to believe you also lack capability.

Fear can take over and fear is really powerful.

It has been nearly four weeks since I was involuntarily hospitalized for depression. Today I received a “check-in” phone call from the hospital making sure I have followed up with the crisis diversion program.

I was pissed initially to be receiving a follow-up phone call so long after that horrible experience, but a few hours later, I find I feel grateful. In under four weeks I have found comfort in the weekly meetings I have with a social worker; they are engaged in helping me to take steps I could not handle on my own. I will meet a therapist later this week who will hopefully work with me toward deeper, meaningful coping and uncovering truths I have not examined fully.

I attended a book club on Sunday where I only knew one person. This is way outside of my comfort zone, for those of you who couldn’t guess, and it was nice to be with kind strangers. This is the first time in many years I have chosen to try something that makes me uncomfortable. Admitting this is also kind of a big deal.

I have also been approached to teach some Freshman level English courses at a nearby community college this Fall. Last Fall, before I started to collapse, I applied for lots of different work. Thankfully, some of that energy has panned out.

I am grateful for the follow-up call because it led to this reflection. I can see quite clearly that the work I am now engaging is beginning to fight against the powerful forces which have kept me afraid, second-guessing my abilities and doubting that I can rise above to once again find meaning in my life. There are days I still let doubts in, but I am growing stronger, taking the small steps toward wellness.

This is me today: