It is harsh and unsettling to speak these words:

“It has been twenty years since I felt something I would describe as joy.”

But today, I found myself saying this to the crisis diversion social worker who comes to meet with me once a week. Right now, I have days where I can go through the motions, accomplish small goals that I set for myself, be engaged, and not think too deeply about the emotions I cannot feel. Today, I had to face a truth that I have tried to examine before, but been too afraid to uncover. In various ways, throughout my adult life, my mental health has been in a state that does not allow me to experience feelings which others can attain. When I am unwell, I find myself returning to a very specific moment, when I was 17. It wasn’t something profound, or life-changing, but something incredibly simple:

When I was 17 I lived on a farm for six months. One morning I got up and went for a run along a forest path. I don’t run, but this felt right. After a short time, I lay down under a large cedar tree and fell asleep. When I awoke, looking up into the branches of that great tree, I felt a mixture of wonder and awe, which was both pure and simple, and the definition of joy.

I was present when my eldest niece was born and I felt great love and pride in my sister’s strength. I pulled off a surprise wedding anniversary party for my parents’ 35th and felt the happiness this brought to my family and was proud. I’ve walked a thousand trails and climbed dozens of mountains, loved many people, earned degrees and have been rewarded for my hard work, but all without being able to get back to that feeling under the cedar tree.

This is why therapy can be helpful. I want to try and talk my way back to this place. I want to be able to look again at my younger self and perhaps this time uncover what is still unknowable for me.

There are so many components to depression. We know that brain chemistry and trauma are part of the equation for some people, but I think the examination of experiences before trauma are also important. There may be keys to helping ourselves that have less to do with what we do after we become survivors and more to do with what we already knew before trauma made us forget. I know that’s vague. I have a lot of work to do. Stay with me.

This is me today: