One of the reasons some people, myself included, disdain medication has to do with diminished capacity. Feeling less, thinking less, understanding less. It is likely true that medication doesn’t actually do any of these things – but when one has become accustom to a sustained experience of fear or sadness or rage, which paralyzes and makes the possibility of other emotions – gentler ones – rare or impossible – feeling indistinct emotions, mild unhappiness for example, feels like feeling nothing at all.

And if, like me, one has spent her or his creative life producing out the dark places, where thoughts are often racing, colorful, and frightening,  it is very difficult to make anything when medicated. The stillness in my brain mirrored in my hands. In part, I have begun to ask fewer questions. This isn’t entirely unwelcome. Many of the queries my brain likes to make when I am depressed are not answerable, and not in interesting ways. Asking unanswerable questions can make one pretty miserable – and crazy – both of which I already have covered, thanks.

Medication blocks the loop which functions inside my brain to cause hours or even days of fruitless questions and self-doubt. Medication slows down the descent into meaninglessness which, especially this time of year, threatens to drag me down. But medication does not cure depression. And, medication does not destroy the capacities I have worked to grow. I can still write, I can still make things, I can still question the trajectory of my life. Those last things are hard to know.

For those of us who find value in our lives through what we make, or think, or write – it is hard to be convinced that we can do those things when we are working toward being well. It is exceedingly difficult to do what you have not practiced. And while logic would dictate that practice is a healthy part of the getting well process – it is hard and can feel artificial.

I’ve tried several medications in the last month – one failure, one I refused to take, and one that seems to be helping. This is the first time I’ve written anything aside from lecture notes and cover letters. And it’s hard. And maybe good. I’ll keep trying.

This is me today: